Inversion of the Heart

Post no.2!

This post has been a long time in the making. I started writing it on the 16th of May, saved it as a draft, and haven't come back to it till today. Recently, with all the hype about graduation and "starting a new chapter in our lives", I have been thinking back to who I am and what I want/wanted with my life. When I was an early teen, I thought I knew what I wanted with my life. Everything was absolute and, despite what my parents said about flexibility, I became more and more polarized towards my desires and goals. There were times when I had the opportunity to embark on new experiences but shut them down because I wasn't comfortable testing the water (cliche, I know). I'm 18 (!) now and about to graduate high school. Guardians in our lives tell us to "live without regret", meaning they want us to take advantage of opportunities that we have now so that we don't look back and wish that things were different. I never listened to any of their opinions and, true to what they said, I regret key decisions that I made. Anyway, as my life went along and I got along in years, I began to develop my identity (which is still in the making, by the way)and carve my preferences out from the ball of clay that I was born as. The kind of regret I'm about to talk about is different from the passing regret that we often feel when we wish something went differently. This blog is only about my most painful regrets and it transcends the shallowness of "Oh, too bad I didn't get to buy a soda at the snackbar" regret.

Thinking back, I would like to share some of the biggest regrets that I've had in my short, but opportune, life.

1. Voice lessons: Just the other day I was singing in the car, humming where I didn't know the words to a song playing on the radio. After three songs of off-key, yet spirited wailing, I said aloud to my mother, "Mom, I wish I had taken voice lessons." She gave me a sidewards motherly glance and she didn't have to speak in order for me to understand what she was thinking. You see, we had had this conversation many times before, especially over the past year with Variety Show and Senior Sing going on. It always went along the lines of her reminding me how she had suggested I take voice lessons--and how I refused time after time. She had a very complete argument against my refusals, but I still fought and got my way. I was stubborn and obstinate in my decision to stick with "tennis, school, and community service" so she eventually gave up. Everytime she gives me a sidewards glance like that I feel how exhausted she is, telling me that I should have listened to her and blah, blah, blah. I'm tired of it, too. Taking voice lessons became more important for me because high school praises people with talent. Life in general commends people with talent because they appreciate hard work. Other than playing tennis, which no one cares about (although they should!!!), I don't really have a show-caseable talent. When you are young, your perspective is shaped largely by your environment. When all of your guy friends believe that singing lessons are "for girls", you have no choice but to say no to your mother's invitation without giving it a try--saving face is the most important priority in middle school. The people I've met through various committees I've been on can sing/dance/act. I love music and God knows how often I sing out of tune to the songs on my ipod. I like to think that I can sing in tune but I know that the sound resonating in your head is way different than the sound that is projected on other people. Regret, regret, regrt...not taking voice lessons is my biggest regret. My mother ended up having the last laugh, as you can see, but it is a bittersweet laugh because she knows that a part of my developed identity will always be off key.

2. Volleyball: Waaaay back when I was 6-7 years old, I started playing sports. When I play sports, I'm referring to karate, soccer, and baseball--sometimes all at the same time! As a kid, you think you're so bogged down with stuff and you pity yourself, arguing that you won't be able to do your homework if you commit to one more extracurricular. Of course, as I think about my whining and how it got me my way time after time, I get upset at my parents for letting it get that far but I get angry at myself for stooping to those levels. And for what? Regret a decade later! Okay, so as the story goes, I never really gave volleyball much thought when I was younger but, as of two years ago, I began to regret not taking it up when the opportunity presented itself. People who don't know me well first comment on my height, then ask me if I play basketball/volleyball. As of right now, I have no regrets with basketball but, as for volleyball, I wish I could answer "yes" to their questions. I have been given the height that many asian kids can only dream of. My parents were ready to support any endeavor that I wished to embark on. I work hard at tennis because I want to be the best, so I know that my passion would have been there. Volleyball is not unlike tennis with its high-speed play, strategy (hit the ball where the people on the other side of the net can't hit it), and requirements (touch, physical height, predictive ability, and quick switches to defense/offense). I plan to play intramural/club level in college, yet I can't help thinking what would have, could have happened if I had only tried. Who knows? I might have actually hated volleyball but at least I'd know that it would never have worked out. The uncertainty that I feel towards volleyball right now is emotionally trying so I regret not giving it a chance. Maybe its just the notoriety that I crave (since tennis obviously doesn't exactly get you front page in the newspaper), or maybe the exhilaration that I see in the eyes of those on the varsity volleyball team--regardless, I find the sport appealing and hard for me to let go.

3. Spirituality: I was first introduced to Christianity when I was born! Haha its true! My mother is definitely a Christian and my whole family has sort of been taken up with her in her beliefs and convictions. However, I have never been able to truly be proud of my Christian upbringing. I used to blame my conservative upbringing for my shortcomings, my naivety, and my social retardedness. There is no doubt that Punahou is a pretty liberal environment to send your child to. Everyone at school seems to be democratic and morality or "living with principle" seems to be second to the social scene. I never really got used to this idea so I was constantly conflicted with what I saw and what I believed. Now that I'm 18, legally an adult, etc., etc., etc., andI have the opportunity to make decisions for myself--some that will possibly affect the rest of my life--I am grateful that I have principles which guide my life. The only way to live is with something to belive in and I know Christianity/conservative views is one way to stay out of trouble, direct my focus, and value what I have. Religion is a really deep topic and I'd like to limit my blogpost to a couple paragraphs so I'm not going to go into extensive detail but I do know that it provides something for me to believe in when all else fails. God is a supreme being who doesn't have a form. His grace and portrayed invincibility transcends my Earthly troubles and I think this is convenient because it gives us someone to look up to, yet never understand. The thing is, I don't really understand Christianity and my heart hasn't been fused with the passion that leads one to devote their lives or make it their guiding principle. You could say that I am a "convenient Christian". I go to it when I need it and omit it when it interferes with what I want. How can that be a good way to live? I'm crazy, I know, and there is no such thing as a convenient Christian. So what do I regret? I regret living between beliefs and not feeling bad about it. If only I had listened to my mother and father like all good kids do...then I wouldn't be in this predicament, faced with the uncertainty of misplaced beliefs and the prospect that when I need Him most, He won't be there.

In conclusion, as I venture out to new bends in the road of my life, I walk away with knowledge on how to make my life better. I have discovered that regretting can lead to two emotions in a person: depression OR fire. I'm the kind of person who wants to live with the latter and use it to make my present and future life better. Fire will push me to make up for lost opportunity and take advantage of scenarios as they come. Regret has changed my identity and I can feel myself evolving from someone who hides from chance to someone who wants more to live and die by it. My regret has turned to passion, and the fruit it bears will be sweeter than that from the tree of mediocrity that I have so far achieved. "Live Your Life" is my new motto and I hope to live everyday but its textbook definition. I wish for all of you that you will live your lives and become people without regret. In my eyes, its never too late to change.