Fugly Dicknosehausen

Before I wrote this posting, I went on Google and typed in “ugliest animals.” There are a lot of animals I think are super ugly—chimpanzees, hagfish, blobfish and Carrot Top—but the two I chose are the “star-nosed mole” and the “proboscis monkey.” These two take top honors because the first looks like something that got run over, decapitated and might grope you in the dark, while the second one has a penis-shaped nose and flaming red hair. SO not hot. The third animal I added in was the “Hawaiian bobtail squid,” because I did a report on it for a zoology class I took, I think it’s cute and it would make my imaginary beast look more outrageous (and kind of gives it a super power).

The scientific name of the species is “Turpis radcliffe” in honor of Daniel Radcliffe, who tops my, “people who used to be adorable, but are now ugly,” list. Turpis means "ugly" in latin. The common name of the animal is “Fugly Dicknosehausen.” Fugly Dicknosehausen was exclusively found in the tiny fictional country called, Yourbooty, formerly known as Djibouti. In recent years, however, tourists have managed to sneak Fugly Dicknosehausen into the U.S. by claiming that Angelina Jolie decided to adopt again. When they realize how ugly and creepy it is, people have resorted to dumping them at RV camps, where they make their way to portable potties, gas station bathrooms and Paris Hilton’s crotch.

Fugly Dicknosehausen likes to eat Pokemon—but only the cutest ones—so an underground black market dealing Charmanders, Squirttles and Pikachus has emerged. Obviously Turpis radcliffe is a carnivore, but it also likes to drink mojitos and vodka tonics. The coolest thing about Fugly Dicknosehausen is that it can glow in the dark! Yes, when Ash Ketchum decided to breed those three animals, he made sure that bioluminescence was a dominant phenotype. Most of the time, one can easily spot Turpis radcliffe in a crowd because it is the only animal with a glowing penis-nose. The strength of the penis nose-glow that it gives off is directly related to its ability to find a mate. Individuals with crappy glowing power go to Hotel Street for mates. Because it isn’t a real animal, no one has seen it in the wild, except for me and Napoleon Dynamite. From what I remember, this is what it looks like (no one laugh—I’m not an art major):