When styled, dyed, trimmed, shaped, buzzed or cut properly, hair can be appropriate, or even artful, in certain areas of the body. Unfortunately, there are many places or situations in which hair should be burned off immediately!
25 Hair Nightmares (in no particular order):
1. Back hair – seriously, man, get that s**t waxed immediately! Hairy backs remind me of Neanderthals…and there’s a reason they died off 30,000 years ago.
2. Girls with hairy pits/legs – TURN OFF! Remember that lady from Scary Movie 3 who was brushing her pit hair? Dayumn I know some girls like it “natural,” but no guy wants to feel his woman’s pit or leg hair/stubble. There is no reason to be all jungly—get a razor.
3. Thick mustaches/Hitler mustaches/curly mustaches – no mustaches…ever.
4. Unibrows – “Eyebrows. There should be two!” – Michael Caine, Miss Congeniality
5. Hairy ears – Gross! How can someone hear if they have hair growing out of there? The ear canal is just one of those places that hair should not be!
6. Cowboy boot sideburns – trailer trash.
7. Scratchy beards – Only pedophiles, drunks and Spencer Pratt are allowed to wear scratchy beards.
8. Dark hair on pale skin – There is nothing more frightening than going to the beach and seeing translucent tourists pull off their shirts to reveal thick clumps of dark hair all over their bodies. Worse off, guys who violate this one are usually bony. No one who wants to get some would ever take their shirt, etc. off without shaving that s**t off! Or at least go to a tanning booth and the gym first.
9. Mullets – there was a guy from my high school who thought having a mullet would be ok. Well, let me tell you: people still call him “Mullet” now—and it’s been two years since graduation! Do you want to be teased mercilessly? Didn’t think so.
10. Hair that looks like pubes – Honestly, if the hair that comes out of your head looks like pubes, you have three options: 1) Shave if off; 2) Wear a paper bag at all times, or; 3) Put a plastic bag over your head and inhale deeply.
11. Frankenstein haircuts – One of my friends-who-is-a-girl has a boyfriend with hair that is naturally wavy. Of all the haircuts he could have chosen, it looks like he went to the stylist with one of those Lego men and asked for that haircut. Bad move.
12. Hair coming out of moles (no, not the furry rodents) – Only witches have hairy moles. Besides, if you have a hairy mole, you might have more problems at hand than a hair no-no...
13. Thick hand/foot hair – Hairy appendages remind me of werewolves. And if you happen to turn into an angry dog with rabies every time there is a full moon, you are a turnoff.
14. Long hair down to your ass – There were a couple girls from middle school who I remember having long hair all the way down to their gluteus maximuses and beyond. It’s so disgusting because it must take so long to wash, and they used to walk around without tying them up! That’s a lot of crap in your hair at the end of the day.
15. Split ends – Personally, I don’t care if I have any, but I hear that girls hate them.
16. Tacky highlights – I remember way back in middle school when someone started the streaked-hair look. Sometimes highlights can look nice, but if you go overboard, or use tones that don’t match your hair, then you start to look like a cheap hooker.
17. Spiky hair – so 1990s, yet guys—particularly Asian guys—just keep beating that dead horse to a pulp.
18. Ass hair – enough said.
19. Donald Trump/Amy Winehouse/Rob Blagojevich – these people have pretty much trademarked their coifs. Their hair has been spoofed, ridiculed and duplicated in horror movies.
20. Hair in the shower drain/on washcloths/on the bathroom floor – I know home bathrooms are private places, but I hate it when I walk in and see random strands of hair all over!
21. Super thick chest hair – remember Steve Carell in “The 40 Year Old Virgin”? There was a reason he was still a vir-gin at 40.
22. Dreadlocks – I don’t care if you smoke pot, love “Cool Running” or fantasize about Bob Marley. Dreadlocks just tell people that you don’t take baths.
23. Beards on fat people – I love Santa, but beards on fat people remind me of lumberjacks. Lumberjacks remind me of suspenders and B.O.
24. Asian beards – such a cliché! Just because an Asian person is wise, doesn’t mean they have to have a super long beard that drags on the ground.
25. Unruly treasure trails – Unruly treasure trails are not treasure trails.
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